Defined by a number

I want to say that I am not defined by a number persay but I totally am.  Its 3:00 in the morning and here I am standing on a scale.  Not just realizing that I am FAT but knowing I've been here for a long damn time.  I way almost 50 lbs more than I did when I moved here 10 years ago to marry my hubby.  Maybe even more because back then I wasn't keeping tabs on my weight.  I had gone through a divorce and had 2 children. 'My divorce left me sad and depressed.  I'm not a depressive eater. Quite the opposite back then.  So I didn't look bad and wasn't in bad shape.

Fast forward to 2013. I can tell you that my BMI is over 30 and I am short. So I am now considered obese. 190 lbs obese WTF? 190 lbs, 4" 11" obese...yet again WTF?  How did I let myself get here?  By not holding myself accountable, by not caring, by settling.  I'm not going to let this number define who I am. I won't but it does tell you who I am in the right now. I may not like it, I may want to do something about it. But for right now this is who I am. And Julie...has....gone....fat!

Now next summer it will be 20 years since I graduated from high school.  Next summer my best friend is getting married. Next summer, next summer, next summer.  Ugh!  So I have so many things to look forward to in 2014.  But most of all. I have 4 beautiful someones.  In every picture I see myself in with them I am so disgusted. Because again.  How did I ever allow this?  This isn't me. I way 100 lbs more than I did 19 years ago! I progressively gained 5.2 lbs a year for all of those 19 years?  How will I ever lose it in 1?  I won't.  But this is a good place to start!